Andrew: You smell like a stripper.
Me: What? What do stripper's smell like?
Andrew: Well, they try to smell good.
Me: Do I smell like I tried or do I smell like I succeeded?
Andrew: You smell good. Just like Macy's special perfume.
Me: How the fuck does sage essential oil smell like Macy's special perfume?
Me: Ugh
Roomie: What's wrong?
Me: I got dressing on the counter, but I just kind of wanted it all on my salad.
Roomie: If I had a twitter.....
(This isn't all that funny, but it's funny to me and my roomie, so there)
Andrew: Dude, you pissed on the couch!
Jon: Fuck your couch!
Andrew: Don't say Dahlia did it either.
Jon: She is potty trained.
Me: She is better potty trained than you
Jon: She's a dog!
Me: That makes it worse....

A lot of us are just nice people who do illegal things.

More Drugs Please

I find it funny when I am talking to a friend about spreading out how often she takes asprin. I find it funny because we don’t care about spreading out how often we take illegal drugs in one night. “Pop the molly, I’m sweating.” 

Things I do When I Live Alone

My roommate is gone until Wednesday and I’ve had the house to myself for almost a week now. I have compiled a list of things that happen when I live by myself (even temporarily) to show you how lonely I am. :D

- I talk to my fish more

- I almost never turn the heater on

- I waste more time on youtube and the internet

- I pee/poop/shower with the bathroom door open (not all of those things at one time though)

- I leave my underwear on the floor of the bathroom 

- I don’t put my vibrator away

- I don’t mute my porn and play loud music over it

- I have sex anywhere, if I was in fact having sex

- I realize that all my friends suck because they have real jobs

- I realize I have too much free time to practice hip hop dance moves I saw on youtube because I don’t have a real job

- I just want someone to talk to at any given moment, so I go back to talking to the fish. I miss having rats. 

Grandma: I know you don't like your roommate like that, even though he looks like Harry Potter. Maybe it is just his personality. You need a guy who has a nice personality and can handle a wand.
Me: Whoa! Grandma, I do not want to have this conversation right now.
Grandma: Oh my goodness, your mind is in other places. I was talking about magic.
Andrew: You are such a good cook Ivy. I bet you come from a family of good cooks.
Me: No, I don't. My grandma burned everything. I just did the opposite of what she did.
Friend: Sorry he had a small dick. Does he at least have a good personality?
Me: Yeah, but a personality isn't going to do anything for my vagina.


So, have you ever been eating something and then the guy sticks his dick in you and you’re like, “Do I keep eating? Why am I laughing? This feels good, but I cannot express it because I am confused about the food in my mouth. Why am I still wearing my glasses?”